Being a better me
I’ve been reading an incredible true story called Dying To Be Me, by Anita Moorjani. It’s a story of her journey from cancer, to near death, to true healing. I feel compelled to share her message, as well as the realisations about my own life that I have come to on my own.
Throughout my life, relationships have been the one thing I’ve struggled with more than anything else. Still, I have had a few of them, all long term, but each time they ended, I wondered why. Was it not possible for people to give me the things I wanted in my life? I felt as though I had given these men my full love and that I’d worked harder at these relationships than I really should have.
My habit was to stay in dysfunctional relationships for too long until I left feeling depleted and lost. Then I’d do it all over again. In my life, there have been only two people who I felt loved me for me. But like my other relationships, these two didn’t work out in the long term, in this case, because I didn’t feel deserving of their love.
I’ve not searched for partners. People have naturally flowed in and out of my life with relative ease. When I think about it now, all the failed relationships have been given the opportunity to keep learning the lessons that I have needed to heal within me.
When I read Anita’s book there were many realisations that came to light, the biggest one being that I have always looked externally for answers to why things haven’t worked out in my life. The world’s biggest misconception today is that we have been led to believe that in order to be whole we must look for answers outside of ourselves.
I looked to relationships to validate my worth. Others may look at their acquisitions or material possessions as a measure of success, and therefore true worth. Look at how good I am, they might say. They might wonder what else they need to have to feel good about who they are. Where does that stop though? When we go external of ourselves, we are really measuring ourselves against others, believing that if we have what they have, we will feel better about ourselves.
At the end of the book when Anita had her near death experience she realised that she had created her own turmoil in life and that the only thing she needed to believe in to heal was that she was enough, perfect, whole and complete.
Up until that point she hadn’t felt that way about herself. This was such a big wakeup call for me, because I could see the pattern repeating itself in my own life. I have read self-development books one after the other. I have taken numerous personal development courses over the years. I’ve tried different modalities to access inner messages, realisations and a deeper understanding of myself.
Why? Just so I could feel OK about myself. It wasn’t until my separation that I got the opportunity to look into the darkness and turn on my own light and see who was really there all along. The book left me with a bigger question: What if I believed that I was already enough? How would I feel in each moment? What would my life look like today?
The inner turmoil I’ve struggled with throughout my life finally subsided when I realised that I am enough. When I let go of the persistent idea that I should try to be someone else, things melted away around me. I know I am doing the best I can and that is more than enough. I feel nothing but deep gratitude for every life lesson that has led me to this point of realisation.
I am unique. I have everything that I need already in me to feel that all is well. When things trigger me, I see that I am judging myself in some way that is compromising my own worth. I recognize now that if people cross my path and don’t like something about me, then that’s their choice, but I am not willing to compromise my own self-worth to be something that I am not. I know what keeps me feeling vital.
I have taken a lot of risks by sharing the personal journey I went through during my separation, but I felt it was necessary in order to share my truth. When I share my truth I’m being authentic to myself, and by doing that I hope to inspire you to change the way you feel about yourself too.
I just love the message that we have everything that we need within us. We were not born with voids! We came into the world as complete human beings. As we progress in our lives we have merely become distracted by all the external noise around us.
Being a better me with love!
Being a better me