Single mindedness or bloody stubborn

Single mindedness or bloody stubborn

An ex-colleague told me a while ago one of my strengths is single-mindedness. At the time, I wasn’t quite sure how to take it or what that meant in the context of our working relationship. Reflecting on it now though, I see how my single-minded strength carried me through the initial transition of my separation.

It wasn’t an easy place to be, living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex-partner, who I despised at the time. I swallowed a daily dose of harassing text messages and the constant threat of my belongings being thrown out if I didn’t move when I got home from work. I faced the uncertainty of not knowing what I would return to at the end of each day.

Some might say it was foolish that I didn’t leave the day after my world turned upside-down. Looking back, I know my singled-minded approach was about making the transition for our kids as smooth as possible. After all, the separation had nothing to do with them.

I didn’t know how things would unfold, but I trusted my intuition to guide me. Within a month, I found the perfect place to call home and then set about executing my transition plan over the next 10 weeks.

What I know today is the way I chose to put our kids at the forefront of all our decisions was a game-changer. It ultimately meant we could have a more harmonious relationship in the long-term. So many people get caught up in their own emotions that the environment they create becomes a battleground. More often than not, the kids are in the middle of all of that.

The mediator we worked with at the time said in all her years of practice, she had not seen one family do it the way we did. It became abundantly clear to me that the deep love we had and have for our kids prevailed, and our egos came off in second.

The first year of a separation, I believe, is the most crucial and the most challenging for everyone because of the range of emotions you experience through the transition. As well as all the practical things you need to wade through. How you navigate all of this can be a true indicator of how things continue for the rest of everyone’s lives. Choose the high ground and your healing process can begin that much sooner.

My one hope of sharing my truth with you is you will deeply think about your children and the lasting impressions or scars you can leave on them if you let your ego drive your decisions. Things can and sure will get messy.

It breaks my heart to hear ongoing stories about kids being dragged through adult issues and used as pawns between parents. Kids have enough to contend with these days. You need to know the adult ego issues – quarreling about kids’ items not being returned, arranging activities and arguing about the cost, declaring your ex an ass on social media, or simply making a big deal about kids being dropped off or picked up late – can be resolved if you are ready to confront them.

Soon you’ll hear about what I did with my ego.