The victim, the villain or the hero

The victim, the villain or the hero

Which are you?

I’m introducing a model in my Live Louder program called the Drama Triangle. The model is designed to help people understand what role they play in life socially and psychologically. Think about these roles as those often played in the movies.

Villain – the evil one who has perhaps been wronged in the past and therefore seeks retribution for that wrong doing. The only way to rid them of that pain is to hurt others and seek revenge.

Victim – the one that feels hard done by or ripped off in life. Blames everyone and everything for their helpless state and therefore feels powerless. A victim cannot see it’s within them to make powerful changes or different choices.

Hero – everyone loves a hero. You know the one that swoops in and saves the day or in the case of the movies saves the victim. A hero is often seen as the good one, the fixer, the one that always seems to have the answers.

As individuals, we can swing between these roles in our own lives. We are patterned into behaving a certain way within our family dynamic and assume these default positions for our entire lives. It’s only those that keep banging their heads against that same brick wall who eventually wake up and ask the big question of why?

When you ask why, you naturally become curious and this can lead to some self-enquiry. I was the hero in my family and up until about a year ago I was a victim of my own circumstance. It was a horrible realisation that I had to come to terms with. Being a victim was one thing I swore I would never be.

Feeling powerless and without choice, letting things happen to me and not feeling worthy enough to want to do something about that. I was pushed to a point where I decided to step up and take action and strip myself of that title once and for all.

What’s the alternative to the Drama Triangle?

The Empowered Dynamic model.

Instead of the villain, it’s the challenger. The creator replaces the victim and the hero becomes the coach. Reading those new names feel so much more empowering. The challenger is focused on learning and growth, holding the creator accountable for their actions. The creator, as the name suggests taps into their own passion, is outcomes focused and absolutely believes in choice. The coach, well it speaks for itself, the compassionate one that provides guidance and encouragement instead of rescuing actions.

In my own life, as that victim I felt I had justified reasons for feeling the way I did. What came with that rationale was a startling wake up call, I didn’t like who I had become. Once upon a time I liked what I stood for.

I have a personal saying; if you want something to be different in your life then you need to do something different to change it. Instead of feeling angry, bitter and pissed off, I asked for help. Totally uncharacteristic for me, I was the hero and the savior after all. My request for help was met by a creator, someone who realised they could make different choices about their own life and own their own outcomes.

That’s when the shift began for me, when I realised that it was absolutely within my power to change how I was feeling. On I went as my own creator. This business is a bi product of that ownership and allows me to explore being the challenger and coach for you.

Who are you choosing to be?

If you feel like you’re ready for the next step, do yourself a favour and get on the waitlist for my Live Louder program. Together we are going to shift that world that you live in today to new heights and that’s a promise.

Shake it baby shake it

Shake it baby shake it

I was up early this morning, too early for a weekend off. Instead of getting up and rushing around I decided to stay in bed. I was obviously tired, because I slept for another three hours. Sleeping in meant that I had missed my usual exercise class. Rather than beating myself up for missing the class, I decided I would try something different and do a Zumba class.

I loved to dance once upon a time. In fact, I was hooked on a dance class I used to go to every Saturday, religiously before I had my kids. When I arrived at the Zumba class it was packed, so I knew it was going to be good.

As we warmed up, I felt a sudden rush of emotion, so much that I was nearly crying. Zumba is meant to be fun right, so why the heck was I about to cry? I realised it was because I was doing something pleasurable and fun, which reminded me of the things I used to enjoy.

We all know that dance is a form of self-expression, there’s no judgment, unless of course you get in your own way and start comparing yourself to others around you. When I feel emotion like this, I know it’s because I’m doing something that lights me up inside. That’s my ‘yeah baby” indicator going off.

What stops you from feeling good inside? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Why don’t I give myself permission to do something I enjoy?

Here are the excuses I’ve told myself before;

  • I’m a mother now, I can’t do things like that
  • Never have the time
  • Not enough money
  • Always got stuff to do
  • My partner won’t let me
  • The kids need me
  • I feel guilty taking time out for myself

I know you’re sitting there reading this and nodding your head. We all make excuses not to do something at one time or another. Seriously people, if you do not make your own self-care a priority it aint gonna happen for you.

There won’t be box that gets delivered to your door with a note inside saying permission granted. You get one chance to live life, so decide how you want to live it. The choice is yours. Don’t you deserve to feel vital, energized and healthy?

It’s the first thing that goes when you have kids, your own self-care and doing things you really enjoy. Don’t let it be that way. You will be a far more balanced mum when you have pleasure in your life. Of course pleasure doesn’t just have to be exercise. It can be anything that makes you feel good.

Here are some of the things on my pleasure list;

  • Cuddles in bed with my kids each morning. This time is precious
  • I absolutely love going to the farmers market each week to support local farmers and buy the most amazing produce
  • I love listening 80’s music, yes that was my era of coolness
  • Brunch is my favourite meal out
  • Burning beautiful smelling candles
  • Hot showers
  • Sleeping

So go off and decide how you can bring that “yeah baby” feeling back into your life. Come and tell me what you’ve decided to gift yourself with. If you know someone that needs a gentle nudge in the right direction, show them this post.

 

 

How to be single again

How to be single again

Amongst everything else going on at the time of separation, you’re suddenly faced with the daunting thought of being alone again. For some, this may be a breath of fresh and for others a very daunting prospect, particularly if you have been someone’s better half for a long time.

So, how do you learn to be single again?

  • Embrace where you are. Don’t judge, don’t put yourself down, and don’t beat yourself up mentally. Just be. Accept what is. Your fears are designed to keep you safe, but that’s all they really are, fears. When you push through them you soon prove to yourself that you are OK.
  •  Reframe your situation. Ask yourself what this experience is providing you with. A chance to rediscover yourself again? An opportunity to make better choices? Reassurance to prove you can stand on your own two feet? The freedom to feel empowered rather than controlled? Safety that you have never had before? An ability to make your own decisions in life? By choosing to focus on the positives, rather than being consumed by the negatives, you’re helping your brain to change its usual thoughts patterns.
  • Surround yourself with the right sort of positive support, “positive” being the key word. It’s OK to sit with self-pity for a while, but not for too long. Self-pity can very quickly turn into anger, resentment, and blame. These emotions will keep you stuck in life. Having the right cheer squad behind you is imperative – the ones that will dish out the tough love when needed, the ones who front up to your doorstep and say, “Come on let’s get out and do something.”

 

Don’t just rely of the company of your kids, because when they grow up and move on, your network of support needs to be solid, so that you don’t feel the loss all over again. You need friends who are going to guide you through your pain, not just sit with you in your pain.

 

  • If you’re like me, with limited family support, it’s time to spread your wings and find new ways to connect with people. Joining some positive support groups or forums online. There are loads out there, you just need to find what resonates with you. You may choose to start a new hobby or join a social group of sorts. Think of places where you can make new connections. Get social and have something other than your own thoughts to entertain you.

 

  • Be your own best friend. Remind yourself of all the things that you either like or liked about yourself. These are your unique gifts. Your own self-worth often takes a hit in a situation like this, so you need to start to build yourself back up again. Don’t look for external validation. Invest in some beautiful body lotion or essential oils and each time you get out of the shower rub the oils into your body and tell yourself something positive, like:

“I am an awesome mother.”

“I am doing the best I can.”

“I am beautiful.”

“I have the best arse, boobs, smile or whatever you have that rocks tell yourself that each day.”

If it feels uncomfortable, fake it till you make it baby. There is a psychology behind this positive reassurance.

  • Develop a positive vision board. A reminder of sorts of all the things you enjoyed or would like to experience in the future when you are ready. I’m not talking about a shrine of your past life. I’m talking about the things that used to light you up inside, inspire you, or energise you. Things you have dreamed about doing. This is a subtle way of setting goals for yourself, things to look forward to.

I have a photo frame at home that sits in my bedroom with all the things that helped me get unstuck at the time. It includes things like online groups I was a part of, positive blogs I read, music I loved to listen to that conjured up positive memories for me, positive affirmations and quotes, and inspirational events I attended.

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Life is full of possibilities, and this is just a moment in time. You get to re-write the remaining chapters of your life on your own terms. How bloody empowering is that?

If you have found this helpful let me know and share it with someone who might be struggling with being alone. I have 8 other tips on not only surviving separation, but thriving. You can grab a copy here, by signing up to receive them. www.shefoundaway.com

Here’s to living and epic life post separation.

Andrea.